10,000 ft

So much has gone down in the last week and my brain is going about seven million miles an hour. 

As I write this, I’m on my way home with Will from San Antonio via Atlanta, and while I cannot wait to be home cuddling my furry, angry, little beast, I’m more than a little down about no longer being surrounded by several thousand of the coolest people on the planet. 

I am completely exhausted because I was silly and didn’t bother following the five and three portion of the 5-3-1 rule. Sitting in the lobby waiting around for our cab, I figured everything out and realized that I had eight meals in eight days and only averaged four hours a night. Not my best showing, but also not my worst. The lack of sleep is certainly not helping my raw emotional edges. 

I’m counting the trip as a success, though I’m not technically sure LoneStarCon was. It wasn’t obviously a dud, but I once again spent enough time running around working that I haven’t decided if the time spent at con as a member not as staff was worth the money that I Will paid and will hopefully get back. 

God, I miss $50 taxis and chain smoking assholes that NYC provides nonstop. 

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First Impressions

Aaaaaah, this is my first day at Y&R!

I’ve been here for about seven hours and I’ve spent the majority of my time waiting on tech support, but since I had absolutely no expectations other than ‘awesomeness’ going in, I’m pretty happy with everything. 

My boss is fantastic (and no, I’m not just saying that here hoping that she’ll find this). While I have been wrestling with IT so I can get online and you know deal with stuff, she’s been walking me through all of the things that I’ll be working on, getting deadlines, and etc. Essentially helping me dive in to the deep water that I want to be in. Half of the other interns still haven’t actually gotten to meet their supervisors because everyone has so much going on so I’m feeling pretty lucky. 

Additionally, they game me a Moleskin. Any job that hands me a Moleskin and a kick ass boss on the first day is good with me. 

More to come as the summer goes on. 

Cold Hearted Bitch?

I made it to Minneapolis!

The trek involved seven hours on a bus, crying when I found out that I was 30lbs over the newly observed luggage restrictions, and making a new friend who agreed to put my textbooks and several pairs of my shoes in her suitcase and sit next to me. Seriously, girls from Minnesota are the nicest.

I slept most of Tuesday to recover from the complete lack of sleep on the bus and then woke up to attend a surprise band concert for my little brother. It should be noted that it was only a surprise to my mother and myself as my brother forgot to bring home the note announcing the even from two weeks ago. My mother was pissed, I was amused, hilarity ensued.

We (my mother, brother, grandmother and myself) headed to some place for dinner after the concert and that’s when things got really interesting. Now, to be fair, my grandmother is officially losing her marbles. I’m not clear if it’s dementia or Alzheimer’s because I usually tune out when it gets to that kind of conversation. Call me cruel, that’s fine. I already watched my other grandmother waste away in front of me from Alzheimer’s, having the correct label doesn’t make it suck any less.

As dinner was wrapping up, she turned to me and said quite loudly, “Megan, do you have any idea who your biological father is?”

What the hell do you say to that?

So, I awkwardly told her “no” and tried to wrap things up and get the hell out of there. It doesn’t bother me that I don’t know who my father is. I have more than enough family to go around. I have more fannish family that I can count on all my digits and I have never wanted for love in my entire life (even as the typical teenager when I was convinced that nobody cared about me). But even so, it stings a little when your own grandmother (marbles lost or no) asks you that question, in public of all places.

Later, as we were getting out of the car, she turned to my mother and asked “Have I ever met Megan before? She’s my granddaughter and I’d like to get to know her.”

I think I should be hurt. Mortally offended that my own grandmother can’t remember the afternoons we spent making cookies or cooking the fish that I caught with my grandfather. But I just can’t. I cannot bring myself to care. I am not hurt. I am not angry. I just want to know where my brother hid the 12 pack of Coke. I think that might make me a bad person.

Perhaps I am still in shock, and in a few days, or weeks, or months this will hit me like a ton of bricks. Or maybe I’ve been aware enough of her slipping away to be able to properly distance myself. I really don’t know. That’s it. That’s all I’ve got tonight.

Writers Block

My mind is never a quiet place. If I’m not working on something, I’m worrying abut something. So it’s confusing and frustrating when I can’t write anything. I’ll sit wherever I’m at, and face down the piece of paper. I’ll stare at it, glare at it, hell, I’ll probably even rip it up and throw is away depending on the mood I’m in.

And it’s ridiculous.

I’m supposed to be writing about my life (something that you’d think I’d have a handle on at this point) not about global warming. I’ve gotten over – with the help of my vlogging- the idea that I shouldn’t write because nobody will read, but now I’m stuck on what’s acceptable for me to write. Part of the reason I have this website is to flesh out my web presence, which is important when trying to find a job in my particular area, but if I’m going to write, I’d like to write about something that doesn’t bore the shit out of me. But, you know, it also shouldn’t be something that will keep me from getting hired.

So, where is that line? I have no fucking clue, but I’ll let you know if and when I find it.

Chicago, IL

I made it!

Finals are done, and after a weekend in Des Moines for Demicon, I have made my way to Chicago for a week with two families that I can’t get enough of. I’m with the McCartys, that I know I’ve mentioned before, until tomorrow and then I’m with Kennedys. I’ll post pictures later, I’m sure. I brought a camera with me this summer and lord knows that I can’t take enough pictures of Mia McCarty.

While I’m super excited to be here and it’s very relaxing there is a bit of nervousness (read: a lot of nervousness) chewing at the back of my head. Next week I’ll be in Minneapolis, and the week after I’m moving to New York. It’s a big thing for me.  A big change, and while I’m excited about it, I’m also terrified. I’m glad that this is a process for me instead of just one step from Maryville, MO to NYC, NY.

I spoke about my fear of failure Tuesday for the Vlogtastic Five video in terms of work for my internship, but something that also really worries me is my relationship. I’m moving in with my boyfriend Will for the summer. The longest we’ve ever spent together is three weeks, and while those were a really awesome three weeks, an entire summer is a lot different than three weeks. Living by myself for the summer really isn’t an option because even though it’s a paid internship, they’re not paying me enough for an apartment in NYC.

So yeah, moving in with him is a little scary. Don’t get me wrong, awesome, but definitely on the scary side. His parents are awesome, but aside from them, I don’t really know anyone out there.

So, for now, I’m trolling my mother’s friends list and the internet trying to meet people before I get on that plane. If you’re reading this and happen to be in New York, hit me up! For now, I’m going to go enjoy my Saturday with my family in Chicago.

VEDA Thougts

While I did recently take a bit of a break from VEDA do to real world priorities like homework, so far, I’ve really enjoyed the process. In fact, I’ve enjoyed it so much that I’ve joined the Vlogtastic Five and from now on, I’ll be doing two videos on Friday. You can find my regular daily videos here and my Vlogtastic Five videos here.

Doing the videos has been really fun, and I’ve found the upload and go style of updating to be  very freeing. No worrying about scripting things out, or making sure that you’ve left enough time in-between sentences for a ‘proper jump cut’ (sentence I never thought I’d say…) or remembering to change the direction your chin is pointing every once in a while for extra emphasis… it’s a lot. It becomes a job. I’ll be doing my Vlogtastic Five posts like that because I think the group is going for that look and I’m happy too, but it will certainly require some extra time and effort.

I’ve also found that vlogging is helpful emotionally. There is a great community out there beyond just my friends and family who are incredibly supportive. I used to have the giant block that kept me from writing, and initially from posting vlogs that were what about what I was actually thinking because I feared that someone would judge me from what I type or say. I’ve gotten more relaxed about what I say in the videos, and it’s gotten easier for me to blog, which is an unexpected benefit that I really appreciate.

That’s all for now. I need to jump on the homework pile before it attacks me.

Jumping on the bandwagon

Relatively soon you’ll see (if you’re looking) a vlog by me for VEDA. VEDA is explained in the video so you can either watch that or head on over to Google.

Anyways, it is my latest attempt to consistently add to the clutter of the internet. I think video might be a better way to do this. I’m not so great at writing consistently (see how empty my archives here are…) and it’s not that I don’t write. I start three or four new blog posts every day but I don’t ever get around to posting because 1. I can’t find a way to close the post and/or 2. I don’t really think that what I’m writing will be interesting to other people/people will think I’m weirder than they already so if they read my thoughts.

Now I realize that in general #2 is not a great reason for not posting, but in the moment, in my head, it’s a great reason not to click that little clue button.

We’ll see how the vlogging business goes.

International Dilema

I have to admit to being of two minds about the many international Worldcon bids that have shown up for the next few years. It’s really awesome Worldcon is being pusehd to be something that actually happens all over the world instead of out of the US every four or five years, but on the other hand, I can’t really afford an international vacation as frequently as it might end up happening. If votes go certain ways, I’ll end up being out of country every year starting next year and with the exception of 2016, which YAY (for a number of reasons) will be in Kansas City, Missouri.

I know there are other options if I find that my financial situation won’t support such plans like NASFiCs, working on local cons instead or just taking a freaking year off. If you can’t afford the hobby, get a new hobby and all that, but…blah. All of the cool kids are at Worldcon!

I spend a significant amount of my time online socially, so Worldcon is like the closest thing I get to a family reunion.

“Friend reunion,” you say, attempting to correct me.
“No, family reunion. These people are close to me than just friends.”

Someone invent a teleportation device now, please?

Nothing ever stays the same.