Previously Unexplored

I’ve been struggling with a new symptom of whatever non-named autoimmune disorder I have: Immune-Mediated Cognitive Dysfunction. It’s a fancy way of saying I have brain fog.

For the last few months, I’ve been noticing that it’s harder for me to read and retain information. I’m more forgetful and sometimes I have difficulty saying words or even stringing sentences together. I need more sleep (9 to 10 hours) and I run out of energy faster. In short, my executive brain function is being put into “Power Saver” mode.

Just in case you are wondering, yes, it’s terrifying.

To be clear, it’s not that my reasoning abilities are gone, I just have less of them. I can still solve a task, it just might take me longer. I can still juggle multiple tasks, but I won’t finish them all as quickly or as cleanly as I once could. I am functioning anywhere from 80-85%.

This isn’t just something that sucks, it’s really difficult to get used to. My mind is still used to functioning at 100% capacity. I am not, nor ever have been a stupid person. And now, I’m not as smart. I’m not as quick. I’m not as bright. There’s not use saying, “Oh, that’s nonsense, you’re brilliant.” All the wishing in the world won’t make this untrue. I can’t stretch as far as I once could, and because of that, I’m still tripping up when I try.

So, please be patient with me. I know what I can handle – lots of trial and error in the last months have helped assure that I cannot miss the line in the sand. I know what I’ve got going on and what I need to do. Please don’t bring this up, or my illness in general, unless I bring it up with you first. I have to live it every day, it is therefore not my favorite topic of conversation. Please don’t question my judgement on how far I can push myself – I know. Sometimes I have good days, and I just want to have a good day and not be reminded of the many bad ones that I have. Please, be kind.