Tag Archives: Patience

Necessary Evil

Nobody likes eleven hour flights. As much as I love going to places on the other side of the world, I don’t like eleven hour flights. But I need them. 

I frequently find it impossible to disconnect from the world. I feel itchy if I don’t have a wifi connection that can help me connect with people. Some of that I’m sure has to do with the volunteer work I do for Worldcon, but it’s also because of how I keep in touch with the majority of my friends and family. 

For the last five years I’ve lived at least several hours away from the large groups of people that I love and I used the internet very heavily as a crutch to keep in contact with them as I didn’t have the money to visit as frequently as I would have liked. 

Now, while I have the means to visit my friends frequently, I still live mostly in isolation and my phone and my laptop are very real extensions of myself that allow me to keep up with the world around me and the world my friends are in. 

But sometimes, I just need silence. I don’t get as much as I should. The ability to be connected to everyone has turned into what feels like an addiction, and even if I’ve sworn I’d put my phone away for dinner, I’ll sneak away to the bathroom to catch up. The ability to connect like this allows us to ignore our reality, and to a certain extent, ourselves. 

So, what does an eleven hour flight have to do with this? Well, turns out that most flights from Tokyo to England or the US lack wifi. I cannot connect. It’s a blessing and a curse. After I get rid of the shakes that come with the realization that I can’t in fact open Chrome and play on Tumblr or Facebook, I relax. I listen to music, I read a book, I sleep, I ignore the rest of the world, sometimes I even write. I cannot be productive in the usual way that I crave to be, but I am given the time to recharge so that I can be. 

I hate eleven hour flights. I love eleven hour flights. 

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Running Out of Gas

I am so tired. I am exhausted and frustrated and I just woke up.

I have spent the last week dealing with a mystery illness that causes extreme abdominal pain, dizziness and forced bodily functions that nobody wants to have to deal with. Ever.

I have seen three doctors this week, been to the ER, Urgent Care and a HMO office. I’ve gotten a CT, sonogram (owwwwwwwww with a tender tummy) and three variations of X-Rays which included drinking an annoying amount of really disgusting barium. I’ve had so much blood taken for tests that all of the veins in my hands have collapsed and it was a joke trying to get access to the ones in the crook of my arm. I was in so much pain and so exhausted that I only went in to work on Thursday and even then had to leave early. Not such a great thing as an intern, my bosses are sympathetic but that is only going to last for so long.

I am so tired of this.

I’ve been dealing with ‘episodes’ of this mystery ailment since middle school. However, those episodes were few and far between and always happened at night. Not so much on the fun side, but at least I could deal with it in the privacy of my own home with family helping out and taking care of me.

Over the years, the meds that I’ve been taking for this have stopped working. Episodes used to be solved with a few Advil/Aleve/Whatever I could grab out of the medicine cabinet faster and a hot water bottle. That stopped working and so I moved on to drugs from the UK that a friend of mine recommended and that he brought me.  That stopped helping earlier this year. I’ve tried pain killers and non-traditional medicine and while those help a lot, there is only so long that I can go around being drugged out of my mind. There is no warning before these episodes, one second I am fine and walking around, the next, on the floor wishing for unconsciousness.

The episodes this week have been fast and furious and have left me completely spent. I don’t know how long this is going to last, or if they will ever figure out what is going on and be able to ‘fix’ it.

I am so completely exhausted.

Summer Internship

Since the interview and rejection process hasn’t started yet, I can’t really say that it’s hard to find a job. But after today, it’s going to be hard to decide what job I want. There is just so much to be passionate about. 

I am passionate about Media Planning. And Media Buying. And Event Marketing. And Account Management. And Social Media. God, do I love Social Media. I want to live forever so I can do it all! (Which, I realize sounds lame because not many people want to work forever.)

I went to Off Broadway today, which is a set of agency tours put together by my school’s ad club, AdInk, and I’ve come away absolutely certain that the advertising world is exactly where I should be. It’s my job version of the romantic “the one.” At each agency I was inspired by the work I saw and the people I talked to. 

I’ve got a million people telling me to slow down and take it easy. “You’ll regret rushing through these years. They’ll be the best days of your life,” they say. But I can’t help wanting to be out there, doing something. Filled with knowledge from experience and making ideas come to life. And not so secretly I wonder about those people who warn me. What kind of life must they have to want to go back? I’m sure the bills suck (I’m certainly not looking forward to them), but there’s got to be more to life than that. Right? There’s work to be passionate about. People to love. Life to live. Please don’t tell me if I’m wrong. I’m not sure my optimistic little heart could take it. 

Time to sign off. I’ve got to update my resume and start non-awkwardly stalking the amazing people today in hopes that one day they might help me get a job or even hire me. 

And oh yeah, I might have some homework, too.